So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
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