after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
