we're chasing vodka with high fives
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
