so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
