If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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