Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
You need Xanax blowdarts
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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