Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
