Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
