She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
