I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize