So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
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