Don't make out with my wife yet
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
