Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
