i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
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