I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
