can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
Small penises have feelings too.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
