I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Randomize
