just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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