evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
