Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
