My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
