Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
