i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Randomize
