The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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