I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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