her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I am going to fall madly in love with a ginger, marry the ginger and have lil ginger children running all around town. Oy
You shut your mouth
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
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