Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Randomize
