if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
So is there a reason your dad is passed out naked in my shower? P.S. Congrats on the family dong.
I didn't get it..
I'm sorry. But to the original question please.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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