When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I love you.
Bad choice
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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