I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
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