Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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