I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
