i wish my penis had a tongue
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
