I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Randomize
