Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
