I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Randomize