I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
