I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Randomize
