I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
