in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
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