Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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