I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
