The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
