I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I need moral support for this bender
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Randomize
