Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
He felt like a one man threesome
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
