just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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