there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
