Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
