im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
