God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
