just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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