Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
