"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
