Well apparently he's into motor boating.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
