i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
