i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
