I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
