So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
